I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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