I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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