just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
