i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
