The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
