you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
