i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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