Your face is a jimmy john
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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