I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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