I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I supernannyed him into submission
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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