Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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