i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
