your thong is hanging out like whoa
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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