I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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