hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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