It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
