He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
