Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
