I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
