I can tuck mytits in my pants
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I need to stop coming to work sober
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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