I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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