Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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