Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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