Don't make out with my wife yet
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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