My cat gives me a boner
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
