and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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