when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
