i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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