I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
