The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
