she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
