It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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