i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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