I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
