I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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