if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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