You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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