i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
