oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
