I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
