I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize