So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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