My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
