you guys were way drunker than both of me
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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