I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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