my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
