Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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