Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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