I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
