I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he thought i was a dude.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize