I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
