I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
