Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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