i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
