Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
