Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
