so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
