omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize