My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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