why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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