im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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