Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
