Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
