"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
