oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This is the high leading the old right now
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
