You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
